Red flags in relationships come in all shapes and sizes, especially in this time and age, these red flags aren’t always glaringly obvious, nor do they necessarily come in the form of physical abuse or violence. While some abuse and manipulation in relationships can be more subtle and hard to recognize, these forms of oppression can have lasting effects on a person’s self-esteem and self-worth.
Perhaps on more than one occasion, a loved one targeted your character, making you feel inadequate and small. Remember the countless times you questioned your own feelings, or suppressed them altogether to make space for someone else’s emotions? How about when your memory of an event was discounted in favour of someone else’s recollection of the affair?
If this is a one-off occurrence, or a simple mistake, that’s one thing. But if recurring moments like these become a pattern, even though they may seem like unintentional slights, they can quickly snowball into psychological manipulation. This type of emotional abuse is called gaslighting.
According to Dictionary.com, this involves “distorting the truth in order to confuse or instill doubt in another person to the point that they question their sanity or reality.” The term originated from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play Gas Light about an abusive relationship, then gained momentum in 1944 with the movie Gaslight, featuring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Boyer, an international criminal, is keeping a secret from his wife Bergman. He leads her to believe that she is the one losing grip on reality for being suspicious of him.
Today, gaslighting is not only a red flag that signals emotional abuse and psychological manipulation in relationships, but is also recognized as a form of oppression. Racial gaslighting seeks to manipulate and discredit the collective experiences, memories, sanity, and emotions of marginalized communities.
Once you’ve recognized these signs;
1. Lying
2. They constantly change the goalposts
3. They isolate you from your support system
4. They use your insecurities against you
5. They project feelings onto you
6. They pit you against everyone else
7. They say one thing and do another
8. Denial
9. They trivialize your feelings
10. They distort your memory
- Your intuition says there is something “off” about this person
- You question your own reality and perception of events i.e. you doubt if things occurred the way you remember them.
- You often second guess your memory of details of past events
- You constantly second guess yourself i.e. you doubt your decisions and choices
- Denial
- Minimization
determine whether these actions are manipulative and controlling or blatant mistakes and thoughtless accidents. If the former is the case, start taking steps to equip yourself to manage and eliminate this abuse, either with the help of a professional counsellor, the guidance of an HR department, or the support of your loved ones.